The Last "Firsts"

Our fourth child will be our last child. We decided this for many reasons. One being that I am now 40 years old and I feel like I am 60....there is NO WAY I could do this all over again at this age!! I try to cherish these last baby "firsts". The first smile, the first roll, the first crawl....etc, etc...

I'm having a terrible time letting go. Andrew is now 14 weeks old. I have breastfed him the longest of all my children...I don't want him to let go. Physically, I am ready to stop breastfeeding...emotionally, I am not. When I stop, I will never breastfeed another baby ever again. The whole purpose of a woman having breasts is to feed a baby. When I feed him formula for the first time, I know it will be the end. The end of all the "firsts". At least that is what I will feel. After the first formula bottle, he will be on his way to leaving the nest.

I know it seems silly for me to think this way. After all, I will have the next 18 years with him. I just won't have that connection that I currently have with him. I lost that connection with my first child, Lydia, when she was 3 months old and I had to return to work. I lost that connection with my second child, Simon, when he was 3 months old when he decided to just use bottles and my milk dried up. I never had that connection with my third child, Sophia, when she was born early and in the NICU for so long. I want that connection to last as long as possible with Andrew.

I want to be the first one to see his first solid food, his first step, his first word......I am in the Last Firsts Time period.....

All 4 kids!!

This is Where I am...

Writing this blog is like writing in my Diary...I have the same diary I got when I was in 7th grade...back in 1987. I write in it once in a blue moon. I still have a third of the diary blank, ready for me to fill the pages with the days of my life. I also got a journal for each of my children, when I first found out I was pregnant with them. I write in it, when I think to, about my experience with them in my belly, the birth, and then their accomplishments in life. I am now six months into my fourth pregnancy....I still haven't gotten a journal for him yet. Am I a bad mother? No. I'm just a busy mother. I am a forgetful mother (I blame that on the pregnancy). And I am a clueless mother...It just took me a half hour just to figure out how to get back on this blog thingy in the computer. And I'm not sure I'm going to end up posting this right....we will see, if you are able to read it! HAHA! Or should it be, LOL?? Any ole who...

                                  (Me and the family!)

Yes, I am expecting again. I will be 40 in a month and I am starting all over again with the late night hunger calls, poopie diapers, and screaming baby. Some days I wonder why I am this insane. Why would I torture myself, knowing it will once again be 18 more years before my husband and I can have the house to ourselves again...

This pregnancy has had it's ups and downs. The doctors say that this baby is going to be a big one! (Like the last one wasn't?? 7lb 1oz 20in long at 6 1/2 weeks early!!!) He is already growing 2 weeks ahead and gaining 1/2 a lb a week and I am only at 27 weeks!! They measured him at 3lbs this past Wednesday. I'm taking Makena shots once a week to prevent another premature labor, which is causing nausea, so I am taking a medicine for nausea, which is causing constipation...the shots also have caused a skin infection, so I am taking medicine for that, which is causing diarrhea...will it ever end??? I guess it will, in 3 months or less, whenever I just POP! I told the little ones that he will be born in the winter, when it snows, (he's due Jan 31st). So now my 3 year old keeps asking when is it going to snow...I hear it's going to be a bad winter and they  are calling for snow in the mountains tomorrow (Nov.. 1st). It's going to be a LONG 3 months!!!

      

                     (Me at 24 weeks pregnant with 4th child)

I am still continuing to home school my oldest daughter (when she pays attention long enough to). The girl is 9 years old and acts like an 18 year old already!! I'm about ready to make her go out and get a job!!!! :) The little ones (now 3 and 2 years old), already know their alphabet, colors, shapes, and how to count to at least 10. I haven't even started them in preschool yet. Hopefully they will be just as easy to learn as their sister was.

In addition to all that has gone on, we have bought a new home and moved in....well, we are just about almost moved in...The day we moved was the day I found out we were expecting again. So I have been sick a lot with the pregnancy. Trying to move everything from a 2 bedroom singlewide home to a 4 bedroom home has been CRAZY!!! We moved in May and I am hoping that the house will look decent enough to have visitors over to see my Christmas decorations all put up!

So, this is where I am in this future. It has taken me a long time to get here, but I'm here. Still kicking and screaming. Until next time... (which at my record will be another two years.) LOL!!!

What is Today??

The days have gone by so fast, I don't even know what day it is! I stay so busy that sometimes I forget to eat. I go to use the bathroom and get side tracked only to realize three hours later that I never made it to the bathroom. My husband calls in the afternoon asking if I need him to go to the store before he comes home and I say, "Didn't you just leave?" Where do the hours go? Between feeding and changing Sophia (now 7 months old), potty training Simon (now 19 months old), home schooling Lydia (in 2nd grade), keeping the house clean, laundry done, and mouths fed, I really haven't found the time to blog much anymore. I am doing it now with Sophia in my lap eating, Simon in bed napping, and Lydia busy watching a newer version of the cartoon "Pound Puppies". We are all ready for Halloween...pumpkins carved, candy bought, costumes laid out, cookies made...except for the little fact that EVERYONE in the house is sick with a cold! I'm hoping that everyone will be better for the annual treat of trick-or-treating. I am in so desperate need of raiding some chocolate....

Normal Again???

Will it ever be normal again?? I know that my life, from this point on, will never be the same. So much has changed in the last year that it is impossible to get things back to the way they were. But we have settled into a new routine. My husband wakes up around 7ish, goes to work around 9ish, comes home around 6ish. My 7 year old gets up around 8am, eats, plays, eats, plays, eats, plays...etc. This cycle happens about every 20 minutes. Literally!!! My 14 month old wakes up around 7am, eats, plays, naps, eats, plays naps, eats, plays, naps...etc. This cycle happens about every 6 hours or so. My 2 month old wakes up around 6am, eats, poops, sleep, eats, poops, sleep, eats, poops, sleep...etc. This cycle happens every 3-4 hours. With a 5 hour sleep from about 9pm to 2am. Me, you ask?? Me, well....I get about 5 hours of sleep a night (not all at once). I used to get 8-10 hours of sleep. I wake up, sometimes get a shower, get everyone fed, check my email real quick, wash clothes, feed kids, wash dishes, feed kids, clean kitchen, feed kids, clean living room, feed kids, clean bedrooms, feed kids,  sometimes remember to eat lunch around 2ish, vacuum house, feed kids, straighten bathrooms, make dinner (unless my husband decides to bring it home), feed everyone, clean kitchen, get kids to bed, and then I sit down. I relax.....until the baby starts crying. Then I go burp her and try to settle her down for a good 4-5 hour sleep. That's my day....when we don't have to go anywhere. When I do have to leave the house, watch out!!!

Longest Roller Coaster Ride of All

When i got on this roller coaster, I didn't know how long it would last. It has taken me forever to get off this ride. With all the ups and downs we have encountered with Sophia being in the hospital, I have stopped asking, "what else can go wrong?" Sophia has been on several countdowns to going home. She will have  a going home date set and then she will have an "event" where she stops breathing, becomes limp, turns blue, and her heart rate drops. Then the countdown will go back to zero. We went home on March 31st so that our oldest daughter, Lydia, could have her birthday party with friends the next day. That night, our dog, Ginger, got hit by a car and died. She was an indoor pet that we had gotten when she was a  puppy four years ago. It broke Lydia's heart! I didn't really like the dog myself (I'm not really a dog person), but my heart broke for Lydia. She called it the worst day of her life. Although we know that it will not be. In fact, the worst day of her life is probably coming up real soon. My mother-in-law, her Granny, has terminal cancer and she is now in the last days of her life. They have now put her on an IV drip with morphine to ease the pain. I tend to wonder if God took our dog to prepare Lydia for the passing of her Granny. Lydia loves her Granny more than anything on this earth. We talked to her some Saturday night about Granny and her sickness. She understands what is going on, but doesn't like it. We all have our questions of "Why?" I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know why Sophia came 6 weeks early, I don't know why Ginger got hit by a car, I don't know why Granny has tonsil cancer when her tonsils got taken out when she was 7 years old. I don't know why God allows bad things to happen. Sophia will be 6 weeks old tomorrow. She is still in the NICU. She is now on day 3 of a 5 day countdown. She should come home Wednesday. I pray that her Granny can hold on long enough to see and hold her third grandchild. I know this is selfish of me, I know that she is in a lot of pain. I feel that she is hanging on just to see her. I pray the countdown doesn't start over again. I pray this roller coaster will come to a stop and I can just get off.

Victory in Jesus!!

While dealing with the ordeal with our youngest daughter, we are fortunate enough to have a house provided for us to live in until we can go back home. My uncle Ken is the pastor of a church that has two homes that were built for people to live in while they are going through a hard time, whether it is due to a house fire, or an instance like ours. These "Victory Houses" have allowed our family to still live as a family apart from our own house. I have stained the floors with many tears and wonder just how many tears have been shed from other families that have stayed in these homes. We are also blessed that God sent Sophia to this city, rather than another, because I have so much family here. I can't imagine how much harder it would have been to be in a city where I knew no one. Living in the city is so much different than the county. There are reasons I love the country living. I hear the "Boom, Boom" of the music from a car and I know that Mark is home from work....in the city, I hear that sound every three minutes or so. In the county, I can go outside in my pajamas, to get the mail, if I want to and not see a single person....in the city, well, not only do you see lots of people, but most of them don't even care that they still have their pajamas ON!! I love the drive time from our house to the city, it's where I spend most time praying to God. However, one of the things I LIKE about city living is that it takes no time at all to get anywhere. If I want to go to the grocery store three times a day, I could, because it is right down the street!! And when I say "right down the street" I don't mean it like I do at home....I literally meant it!! "Right down the street" at home means, my church is right down the street (about 7 miles from the house). The kids even notice the difference, for instance, the other day, my aunt Bonnie offered to watch Lydia and Simon for me while Mark was at work so that I could go visit Sophia at the hospital. We turn out of the driveway, drive a half a mile down the street and turn on another street. Simon had already fallen asleep (he knows that once we get in the car, it's time for a nap because it takes us 30 minutes to get into town), and Lydia asked for me to put one of her music CD's in the player. I said to her, "Not right now, we're almost at Aunt Bonnie's house." (Her house was a couple of miles away.) Lydia responds to that with, "ALMOST THERE?????? WE JUST LEFT THE HOUSE!!!!!!!" It was so funny, I laughed the rest of the way there- literally. And when we got there, I had to wake Simon up and he had this confused look on his face. He couldn't understand why his nap was so short! So there are some advantages to living in the city. The hospital is about 15-20 minutes away from where we are staying. My family members say that it is "all the way across town". To me, it feels like a 5 minute drive. I am just so used to driving at least 30 minutes to get somewhere! So, with the ups and downs of county versus city living, I do have to say that I truly miss home, but am so grateful for the house we have to stay in. Thank you so much uncle Ken for allowing us to reside in a Victory House while our baby girl gets better. My goal for her is to be home for Easter. How that would be a wonderful day to introduce her to all of our friends who are really our family.

How Are You Doing???

"How are you doing??" Such an overrated, rhetorical question that people only ask to be nice. They expect a simple "fine" answer. So, since you asked....I will tell you. The last week for me has been a very emotional roller coaster. It all started on Tuesday, March 13, 2012. I was going about my daily routine, cleaning house, taking care of the kids. Six more weeks before Baby Sophia was due to arrive. I was folding clothes and heard Simon wake from his nap. I got up to get him and needed to pee again...every time I got up, Sophia would sit on my bladder. I went to the bathroom and had some spotting. I wasn't too concerned, but called my husband anyway to let him know. He told me to call the doctor. I was going to wait until I went again (which would probably be in about 10 minutes) to see if I was still spotting then. About 20 minutes later I went to the bathroom again and had a bowel movement with a gush of water following. I thought, "Oh my gosh, I think my water just broke!" It was 3:45pm. Then my next thought was, "I haven't had time to take a shower since Sunday morning..." So I got in the shower and rinsed off quickly...I didn't want to go to the hospital stinking!!! Then I got out, got dressed, and called my husband. He told me to call 911. My daughter was playing with the neighbors next door and I was home alone with Simon (11 1/2 months old). I walked out on the front porch and called Lydia's name...hoping they were playing in the yard. No response. I came back inside and another gush of water came out, much more than before. Yep, my water had broken! I then called 911 and they told me to lay down where I was and check to see if I can feel the baby's head. Wow! As I am laying there, my daughter and her friend (also named Lydia) came over to get a popscicle because they were out of them next door. Thank God for little miracles! I told my Lydia that my water broke and go get Mandy (little Lydia's Mom) NOW!! My Lydia went to get Mandy and little Lydia walks in as if nothing is going on. She is 4 years old and she says, "Who broke your water???" Walking to our fridge, she opens it up and looks at our Brita Water Filter and says, "This broke??" She is so cute!! At this point, I am in no pain at all, just surrounded by water. Mandy comes to watch the kids, the EMT comes and checks me out...no crowning yet. Asks how far apart the contractions are and I say, "I really don't think I'm having any contractions yet." Like I said, I felt fine. I am just worried that it is 6 weeks too early. They load me up in the ambulance and take me away. On the way, around 4:30pm, I start having contractions about 2 minutes apart. I got car sick...those back roads, going fast, riding backwards....oh my...
I get to the Labor and Delivery room at 5:00pm. The doctor comes in, checks me, I am 4cm dialated, cervix still hard. He schedules an epidural (something I requested). It takes about 45 minutes for the anesthesiologist to get there and start the epidural. It took him 4 or 5 tries, but then finally said that it worked...it may have worked, but not fast enough...as I was starting to lay down I felt Sophia coming. I told the nurse that she is coming and I have to push. She said, no don't push, it's not time yet. I said, "YES IT IS TIME!!!" She runs out of the room to get the doctor and I feel the head coming out. I am holding the anesthesiologist's hand, while he is saying, "Oh My, Oh My, Oh My..." They made Mark leave the room while they did the epidural, so he wasn't even in the room with me. I yell out to the nurse (who is still MIA), "I NEED YOU IN HERE NOW!!!" She runs in the room and gets to the foot of the bed right as Sophia slides out. I basically delivered her myself! Two light pushes and she was out! 6:25pm. The nurse again leaves the room with me and Sophia on the bed. She is still attached to me and we are all alone. They had nothing ready in the room for a baby. The nurse comes back with scissors to cut the umbilical cord.  I, and everyone else in the hospital, then hears over the intercom, "Code 14, Labor and Delivery, STAT" This perks Mark's ears up and walks out of the waiting room to see what is going on. He comes in the room to see his daughter already in a bassinet bed. The doctor then comes in (he had gone to the cafeteria to get a coffee while they were doing the epidural-remember I was only at 4cm) and says, "Well, she didn't want to wait, did she???" LOL!!! I got to hold Sophia for about 10 minutes before they took her away. She weighed 7lbs, 1oz., 20in long. Imagine how big she would have been had I carried her another 6 weeks!! The doctor sits down to wait to deliver the afterbirth. It doesn't come. I am still having contractions to get the afterbirth out. The epidural never worked, go figure...After an hour, the doctor said I would have to go to the operating room to surgically remove the afterbirth. Two hours after Sophia was born, they roll me to the OR. They drug me up so much that I couldn't feel anything from my chest down. Four hours after she was born, the uterus relaxes and the afterbirth peels off. They didn't have to scrape it off!! I got to my room around 10:30pm. About 11:00pm, Mark finally comes in. His eyes were red and glassy looking. It scared me so bad. I knew, I just knew he was going to tell me that Sophia didn't make it. He didn't, thank God. But he did tell me that they were going to have to transfer her to a hospital an hour and a half away with a NICU. Her lungs weren't fully developed and she was breathing too fast. Imagine the emotional pain I was in. I also had a horrible headache that I thought was from me not having my glasses on. I asked for some pain reliever for that. It wasn't until the next morning that I found out the real reason for my headache and neck ache I was experiencing. Apparently, when they were giving me the epidural, I moved and some spinal fluid leaked out. I was having a spinal headache. This headache is 100 times worse than the worst migraine headache. They brought Sophia in at 3:30am Wednesday morning, 9 hours after she was born, for me to see her before they took her to the other hospital. I was released on Thursday, but wasn't able to get to Sophia until Saturday. I am able to hold her, but not for long because of the pain in my head and neck. It is now Monday and I am still in horrible pain. If only the pain would go away, then I could concentrate on all my kids. In hinds sight, I wouldn't have asked for an epidural...it didn't work for what I wanted it to work for anyway. I feel like I was in the hospital for a neck injury than I was for having a baby. I don't even feel like I had a baby! We are fortunate enough to have family close by and have available a home we can stay in so that we won't have to drive back and forth each day to see Sophia. I am sorry I don't use paragraphs when writing. I know it can be confusing, and my husband has fussed at me about it. Forgive me. Please pray for our family...the healing process may be long. So this is how I am doing.....How are YOU doing???